To Love and Be Loved
by Starzangel
Summary: Cold and alone, Lexa fights against death and her feelings for Jesse. However, she isn't going to be able to win both battles at the same time. Oneshot


Disclaimer: _Mutant X_, its premise, characters, etc, are not mine.

**Author's Note:** I've never written anything in this fandom before, but I've had the urge to write a Jesse/Lexa fic for a while. Then this sprung out of pretty much nothing. It's a descriptive character piece, and a second part may or may not be added.

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_Mutant X_

**To Love and Be Loved**

By

Starzangel

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She was on her knees and shivering, the rain plastering her long, dark hair to her pallid face. Lexa Pierce couldn't remember ever being so cold. She was so cold it hurt. It had sunk deep into her, eating away at her bones with icy teeth. Her body was shivering continuously, but there was no way she could generate enough heat to replace what was being drained out of her by the elements. Her body temperature was starting to drop. It was only a matter of time before hypothermia set in for the slide into death.

The lingering rational part of her mind registered the symptoms of shock, but she couldn't get her limbs to move or coax her throat into forming a cry to push past her chattering teeth.

This wasn't the end she'd had in mind. Shivering to death, alone in a dark alleyway at night really was not her style. Well, the alone part, yes, but not the shivering. The out of control shaking seemed so weak. It was all very well dying from hypothermia in an Artic expedition gone wrong, but catching it in a Manhattan rain shower was pathetic. And Lexa Pierce was never pathetic. Or at least, she thought over the sound of her chattering teeth, she'd never been before.

Her comlink ring was glinting at her from a puddle of sludge, out of reach in the gutter. Its silver sparkle seemed to be teasing her. It symbolised the help she couldn't call for, the sanctuary she wouldn't reach and the team she was parted from.

Jesse.

The ache was in her heart and she didn't have the strength or the clarity of mind to bury it. She was defenceless, unable to deny that the greatest reason that she didn't want to die was not because it was a whimpering way to go, but because she didn't want to leave him.

Damn him.

Jesse Kilmartin had managed to creep into her heart and make it home, despite all of her fortifications that she'd sturdily built over the years to keep the people out - away at a distance where they couldn't hurt her and she couldn't hurt them.

No one had gotten through before and he hadn't exactly been clandestine about his attempts. There was only one conclusion: she'd let him in.

And now she was going to lose him.

She was going to be taken away from him before she could gain the courage to find out what might be.

Maybe that was for the best. There was always that voice in her head that told her it could only end in tears - messy tears with yelling, red-hot anger, and regrets all round. She couldn't be the girl Jesse wanted her to be; she would just disappoint him.

Yet, a quiet little voice sometimes whispered to her, so soft she could normally drown it out with forceful, dismissive facts. The voice spoke to her now, tear-choked at the prospect of loss, telling her that she could've tried to be the girl she wished she could be. Jesse loved her for who she was, the little voice whispered, all she had to do was let him.

But he didn't. He couldn't. He didn't know who she was, no one did.

_You_ don't even know yourself, berated an admonishing grandma voice, so he's as able to make a guess as anyone.

Well, none of it mattered anymore. She wasn't going to get the chance to try or to turn her back.

Silent tears were hidden amongst the rainwater that flooded down her face. She shut her eyes, giving way to the blackness and distantly felt herself tip to the side, finally fully collapsing to the ground.

The jolt of her shoulder hitting the tarmac pushed her eyelids back and she stared ahead along the road. Raindrops fell like minute bullets into the depths of a murky puddle, sending colourful ripples across its oily surface. Other water bullets ricocheted against chips of tarmac, splitting into smaller clones that vanished into the dark. High up, a dim orange light shone from within a grimy casing, unrelenting lines of dart-like drops falling through its emitted rays at an angle, coming down wave after wave.

Well, what did ya know, she was going down in the midst of an attack after all. That left only one regret. The biggest one.

She shut her eyes again, hoping to escape it. But shutting out the outside world only made her internal heartache easier to feel. However, she could feel herself slipping, descending deeper into the blackness where nothing mattered anymore.

...no, no, please, no...

It was Jesse's voice pleading with her now.

Damn him.

Why did it have to be him following her into the quiet, painless black?

Only he wasn't following her, he was pulling her back up.

Lexa, wake up, please! Lex, please!

She could feel the cold and the rain again. Not something she welcomed.

Oh God. Lexa...you're so cold...

She was well aware of that, no thanks to him. Why couldn't he just let her go?

Lexa, you've got to open your eyes. Please, Lexa!

Why wouldn't he just shut up already?

C'mon, Lex. I've been through a lot to find you, the least you can do is open your eyes. Please!

Well, he shouldn't have bothered. It was pointless, hopeless. She'd had enough of listening to the advice and instructions of know-it-all voices.

Lexa, please don't leave me...

There was something about the way he said it. Something that made it through the fogginess in her fading mind.

The voice hadn't come from within her. She wouldn't have imagined him to speak with so much pain and fear and desperation, not because of her.

Lexa forced her eyes open, not realising such a simple task could be so difficult, requiring so much effort.

A blurred face hovered above her.

"Jesse...?" Her voice was weak and hoarse, barely heard over her teeth starting to chatter again, and she gasped to recover her breath afterwards.

"Lexa! Oh, thank God!"

Her eyes were beginning to focus and she could see the weary smile and intense relief on Jesse Kilmartin's face.

"Y-you found me... I d-didn't think..." Relief was flooding through her as well, as she took in the situation and memories came back to her.

But she was still so cold and numb. Shivers wracked through her. She could feel his strong arms around her, but it wasn't enough. Lexa gripped hold of Jesse's shoulder and pulled herself up, sinking into a deeper embrace. She pressed herself against him, feeling the warmth of his body, and leant her head on his chest, listening to his real, living heartbeat and breathing in the scent of his cologne. His gentle arms held her tightly to him and he rested his chin against the top of her head. Lexa had a hand wrapped around the nape of his neck, her other hand had slipped under his open jacket and pressed against his side. Suddenly, Lexa realised there was something wrong. Everything felt comfortable and right except one thing.

Beneath her cheek, Jesse's shirt was slightly damp from the rain, but under her hand it was soaking wet, a liquid pooling between her fingers and over her knuckles.

Lexa drew her hand out and stared in horror at the crimson covering it. She sharply pulled back Jesse's jacket. The lighting in the alleyway was dim, but it was bright enough to show a dark stain over the left side of Jesse's abdomen.

"You're bleeding...!" Her eyes were pained and worried.

Jesse gave her a wan smile and pulled his jacket back over the wound.

"We're both in need of medical attention," he said, softly, brushing back the strands of dark hair sticking to her pale face. "Come on, we need to get to the Helix."

"Jess, what happened to you?" Lexa asked, sinking back onto her heels to distance herself and look him over.

Jesse only gave her question a gentle, loving smile. He prised her shaking hands off his arms and held them in his. "Do you think you can stand up?"

Lexa glared at him, two flaring blue-grey gems burning from a lingering halo of smudged black eye make-up. However, she was shivering harder again with the rain pelting down on her away from Jesse's warm embrace. If she stayed out here much longer, she wouldn't be able to interrogate him at all. Her gaze softened and became thoughtfully determined, as she struggled to find her numb legs and get to her feet.

Jesse rose ahead of her, guiding the way up and supporting most of her weight. Once upright and steady, Lexa pulled away from him, not wanting help more than was absolutely necessary.

He left her to cross the alleyway and stooped to pick up her comlink ring. After wiping off the muck, he came back and handed it to her. She couldn't keep the half-smile off her face as she slipped the ring back on her finger. The symbols flared briefly, as it recognised her and activated.

Lexa unsteadily followed Jesse out of the alleyway, drawn closer to him until she was shivering right next to him, so close their shoulders were brushing. Her weak steps were faltering, but she was unwilling to make the move she longed to make. However, he did it for her, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her closer. Giving herself over to him, she let him help support her weight and encouragingly pressed in close to him, being careful not to lean against his injury.

She needed him, but she didn't care about her lessened independence anymore; she wanted him.

Her heart led the way, while her exhausted mind drifted. It didn't matter. Despite the biting cold, the numbness and the shaking, she was happy. Her leaden eyelids dropped, trusting him to hold her up and guide the way. Things might be different tomorrow, once she was stronger; she might fight her indisputable feelings for him again. But for now she was content and felt safe in his arms.

He wouldn't hurt her, he loved her. And her heart told her she wouldn't hurt him either, because she loved him too. Her mind was not there to raise the walls and give sharp warnings of undoing and inevitable pain.

Lexa trusted and loved, and let herself be loved.


End file.
